Simon’s Blog

Working With The Mind – (Not) Getting Hooked

Working With The Mind – (Not) Getting Hooked

One of the complementary differences between a psychotherapeutic approach to growth and healing and a meditative or contemplative approach is that the latter is much clearer about the feeling of how our minds work. The meditative description is more “1st person”, how I feel, than “3rd person” or how I objectify or categorise what is happening. (Both are valuable if not indispensable).

Applying Meditation

Here is an excellent article from Pema Chodron which gives us a new word (shenpa) and description of what it feels like as we begin to get hooked or triggered. And, of course, what it feels like when the emotional hook is set and we’re being dragged along by our emotions. Naturally she also describes the meditative response to allow ourselves to learn to avoid the hook.

Is that feeling of “tightening” or “closing down“, that “taste” that she describes familiar? Would you use a different word or phrase? Or a different sense: temperature, sound, gut, throat, mouth?

The article is quite long and will reward re-reading, especially if you’re relatively new to meditation as you may not yet have developed the clarity of experience in meditation to get everything she mentions. For that reason it’s also a very good pointer to useful meditation practice.

Important points:

  1. We can be “hooked” by meditation experience itself so that we become annoyed with ourselves when our experience is not the one we want or think is right!

    This feeling is a GREAT opportunity because it is so common. When you’re meditating and find yourself thinking either that “this is great” or “this is awful/wrong” or “I’m failing/fantastic/not doing it right” The feeling of grabbing or pushing away that drives the thinking IS THE HOOK! Shenpa in Chodron’s term. So you can never do it wrong.

  2. Success in becoming aware of shenpa grows from failure.
    Chodron recommends reviewing a hooking event internally to see as much of what happened with us as possible. These reviews (which will often happen, uncomfortably, in meditation) are our learning experiences; we begin to see our pattern both of response and, most importantly, feeling. It is of course our feeling that drives our response.

On Being a Smarter Than Average Fish

She finishes with this:

“I recently saw a cartoon of three fish swimming around a hook. One fish is saying to the other, “The secret is non-attachment.” That’s a shenpa cartoon: the secret is—don’t bite that hook. If we can catch ourselves at that place where the urge to bite is strong, we can at least get a bigger perspective on what’s happening. As we practice this way, we gain confidence in our own wisdom. It begins to guide us toward the fundamental aspect of our being—spaciousness, warmth and spontaneity.”

The metaphor can be extended: the hook itself is often concealed by attractive and often deceptive bait. If we can catch ourselves in our attraction to the bait and then, gradually, become aware of the concealed hook, we develop that bigger internal perspective.

It is almost always the case that grabbing the hook, indulging in the bait, trades momentary, immediate satisfaction for more lasting future unhappiness. We trade away tomorrow’s happiness for its illusion today.

Are You Looking for Help?

If you would like help dealing with difficult emotions, strains in your relationship or difficulties in your meditation practice, then please CALL me to see if we can work together or send me an email via my Contact Page. I look forward to hearing from you.

Simple Meditating; Meditating Simply

Simple Meditating

Here’s a link to a recent practice tips article by Ken McLeod encouraging simple meditating. Ken is my one of my favourite writers on meditation as part of a spiritual or developmental path.

I like Ken because he focuses on essentials. In this post he’s reminding us not to look for or value consistency in how our practice, our meditation, goes. He could as easily have called the post Keep It Simple. The essence of practice is to do it as it is each time we sit formally, or each time we look inward in the moment.

The essence of practice is to be aware of a phenomenon whether breath, mind flow or awareness itself in his examples; to notice when our awareness has wandered and then to bring awareness back  to our target. That’s all.

His example of confusion between teacher and student in following the breath is wryly amusing. The teacher has instructed that students should watch the breath and count each breath. If they get distracted or when they get to ten, they are to restart the count. The student is worried that she never gets past five and is constantly restarting her count.

The teacher (perhaps a trainee?) wonders why she’s worried as she’s doing exactly what she was taught! (There is a whole other blog (at least) on how unspoken presuppositions get in the way of clear communication.)

Obviously the student has understood, as I did when I first encountered this instruction many years ago, that the goal is to get to ten! Nope. The “goal” is to be aware, notice the movement of awareness, return awareness to the chosen object. That’s all.

As Ken says:

“Consistency, stability, focus, etc. We think of these as qualities that we can develop in our meditation, or in our attention. But when I look closely at my own experience, I don’t find any of these qualities and I haven’t experienced any of them. Subjectively, my meditation is a mess. Stuff pops up unexpectedly all the time. Thoughts appear and disappear, sometimes like a herd of elephants, sometimes like ants, sometimes like mist. Different emotions sing their siren songs. A plane passes overhead, or a car starts up, or the sprinklers turn on. Sometimes I’m comfortable sitting, sometimes I’m not and I’m aware of heat and tension and agitation in different parts of my body. When any of these thoughts, feelings or sensations hook me, I’m in another world and I only realize that I’ve been distracted after the fact.

I’ve given up trying to have consistent attention, stable attention or even a clear focus. When I notice that I’m not meditating, I just come back. That’s all.”

So when practicing, minimise your expecting or desiring of a particular flavour of meditation. Remember: simple meditating! The conscious lesson is in the monitoring of attention and in the unpredictability of each sitting; of each moment. The unconscious learning is simply the growing scope of self monitoring. Changes will happen.

Are You Looking for Help?

If you would like help dealing with difficult emotions, strains in your relationship or difficulties in your meditation practice, then please CALL me to see if we can work together or send me an email via my Contact Page. I look forward to hearing from you.

What is Psychotherapy All About

What is psychotherapy all about- for individuals? What will you do to me? What is the process?

How do I Answer?

These, and more, are questions that people have asked, whether in casual conversation or when deciding whether or not to come to therapy. The way I’ve answered has changed a bit over the years but I’d like to think that they’ve been consistent. [Ed.: of course you would! 🙂 ] Perhaps I’ve been changing perspective on the process or emphasising different aspects (another way of saying the same thing).

This blog is the description that I seem to be settling towards.

Diagnosis or description of experience?

One aspect of therapy that perhaps you might find off-putting shows up in the question “Will you diagnose me as crazy/mentally ill/…?”  Dr. Jeff Rubin has two interesting blog posts looking at this here and here. He classifies psychiatric diagnosis as “name-calling” rather than diagnosis for cogent reasons. He sees the common DSM “diagnoses” more as classifications of “expressed personal concerns”.

I like his remarks because they fit well with how I describe the psychotherapy process [Ed.: of course you would! 🙂 ]. Many people who wonder about doing therapy function at least well enough to hold down a job, maintain an intimate relationship and find at least some enjoyment in life.

What is psychotherapy all about?

However, there may be aspects of our experience of ourselves or our relationships which we’re uncomfortable with. We also may feel that they hold us back from greater enjoyment of life, greater engagement in our work, less contentious relations with our loved ones or friends. These are all “personal aspects” with which we are “concerned” in Rubin’s language.

So what is therapy like with that orientation? Therapy then becomes an exploration, with you controlling the process, in conversation and somatic experience of

  • how you can feel safe in the therapy setting
  • what your personal concerns are
  • how/when the behaviours or feelings show up
  • how they relate to those aspects of you which you feel work well, your strengths
  • how they might work as a protection for you and why
  • how to move these aspects to a position in your life which you feel is, at least, less concerning.

Therapy when there’s significant disruption

For people whose aspects of concern cause significant life disruption, the basic pattern is the same but the process may be longer and may involve exercise to trauma integrate traumatic or disempowering experiences and memories, once you are able to feel safe doing them.

Bottom Line

That is the high level description. In this setting, per Dr. Rubin, depression is a description of how you experience yourself, as also is anxiety. These certainly have bio-chemical and physiological implications and addressing them, at least in part from that direction, can definitely help therapy.

They are never a final statement about who you are.

Are You Looking for Help?

If you would like help dealing with difficult emotions or strains in your relationship , then please CALL me to see if we can work together or send me an email via my Contact Page. I look forward to hearing from you.

Breathing for Mental and Bodily Calm

Meditation, sports psychology, emotional intelligence and relationship counselling all give a central role to breathing for mental and bodily calm. Whether taking deep slow breaths, doing patterned breathing (like 4-7-8 breathing) or simply being aware of the breath, this basic bodily function is a gateway to calm.

This is established practical knowledge in all the fields mentioned above and I use it in mindfulness training, executive coaching, doing therapy, cross-fit and occasional disagreements with Vivian. However, the physiology underlying this effect is only now being investigated in detail.

We’ve known that breathing biases the body towards parasympathetic autonomic states but not how that happens. This NYTimes article (I think this might be pay-walled) refers to a couple of recent articles in the journals Nature and most recently Science (this takes you to the abstract) describing the identification of a bundle of about 3000 molecularly differentiated neurons in the brainstem (reptilian-ish brain) which sense and influence each others’ activity and the body’s breathing state which in turn then influences the body’s arousal state which then influences …..

(Complex, recursive feedback systems seem to be the rule in our physiology.)

It is still early days and the articles describe the actions of only (that’s an ironic “only”, folks) two of the cell varieties and their function but I’m sure we’ll be seeing more detail from these folks over the next year or so.

So we’re beginning to get down to physical causation of this marvellous aspect of our embodied selves.  I always like to have practical experience backed up with as much detail on how things work as possible. There’s the definition of a “user” and a “tech” which says that a user only cares THAT things work where the tech cares HOW they work. I’m a hybrid: happy enough when I have a practice which works but even happier when I know, even in a sketchy way, how it works.

If you’re happy just knowing THAT breathing is a great tool for calming or self-soothing, great! Keep using it in confidence. If you’re like me in having your confidence grow as you increase your picture of HOW it works, keep using it and enjoy the articles. I hope they build your confidence in these natural and powerful practices of breathing for mental and bodily calm.

Are You Looking for Help?

If you would like help dealing with difficult emotions or strains in your relationship , then please CALL me to see if we can work together!

Anger and Relationship: Where Anger isn’t the Main Issue

If you are in, or have been in a relationship then you’ve most likely been angry and have had anger directed at you. And we’ve all been in relationships, even if the latest for you is child with parent. However, it may be that anger isn’t the main issue.

Anger is painful, both for the person angered and the person they are angry at. Even witnessing anger, if it’s close to you or the angry person is important to you, can be painful.  And yet anger is a very important emotion: it’s there in its simplest form to energise us, to mobilise body and mind, to defend ourselves, our space or our interests.

When Anger is Unacceptable

Let’s be clear: we are all entitled to feel our emotions when they arise, even anger. However, we are NOT entitled to express them to or at others in ways which threaten, frighten, denigrate or otherwise try to dominate them. This article is NOT about anger that is expressed in those harmful ways but about the normal ranges of anger that occur in almost all relationships.

We, of course, complicate anger; when we are angry we may be in a much more complex state than simple self defence. Our complex brain-body makes inevitable a complex interplay of our basic emotions, social conditioning, moral values, expectations and desires. This can lead us to be angry as an end result of a mass of entangled causes. This is especially true in relationships with those who are important to us.

The Anger Iceberg (Gottman Blog)

Check out the blog The Anger Iceberg on the Gottmans’ web site  which looks in detail at the sub-texts of anger in relationships and gives some techniques to deal with your own anger.

Let’s also look a bit more deeply into the relationship issues the blog hints at. We often become angry when our partner’s deeds or words have stirred other, perhaps more vulnerable, emotions in us. In the example in the blog Dave got angry when his wife, let’s call her Amelie made a request of him.

As the blog explains, Dave was reacting to feelings of helplessness in being unable to meet what he felt as excessive demands from Amelie.

A Deeper Look at the Relational Dynamics

The causes which have their result in Dave’s anger are deeper and more relational than simple anger. If Dave simply does an anger management course, he will still feel helpless and put upon, Amelie will feel perhaps a lack of the involvement from him that she’s looking for, Dave may simply stonewall and the relationship will continue to suffer.

Moving Towards Healthy Relationship

The route to improving the relationship needs at least

  • Dave to be able to talk to Amelie directly about his feelings of helplessness,
  • Amelie to be able to hear and respect his feelings.
  • Amelie to be able to explain what she’s trying to accomplish by her requests (what are her expectations of his help in the relationship and what’s missing).
  • The two of them to discuss respectfully how they each can come closest to meeting the expectations of the other without surrendering their own vital interests.

Very often however, we arrive at adulthood without the knowledge or skills to initiate and continue conversations like this, which are packed with emotion for us, without falling into behaviours which destroy the possibility of reaching or building mutual understanding and which, over time wear away at the fabric of our relationship.

The heart of couples therapy for me is exactly helping couples to learn and build the skills that allow disagreements to become relationship enhancing experiences instead of being the grit that wears away at the love and liking that got them together in the first place. If anger isn’t the main issue, why let it wear away at your relationship?

Are You Looking for Help?

If you would like help dealing with difficult emotions and strains in your relationship , then please CALL me to see if we can work together!

Recovering from Trauma of Adverse Childhood Events

Adverse Childhood Events Trauma

Adverse Childhood Events Trauma is finally beginning to be part of a wider conversation about the effect of childhood experience on mental and physical health. Twenty years ago, the US CDC sponsored a large scale, epidemiological study on the effects of what the study called Adverse Childhood Events (ACE) on health and behaviour in adulthood. These two articles in Psychology Today look at, first the effects of ACE on brain function, health and behaviour and, second, the ways in which people affected by ACEs can help themselves and be helped by therapists.

What are ACEs?

The study grouped events into three categories: Abuse (emotional, physical, sexual), Household  Challenge (violence, divorce, substance abuse) and Neglect (emotional, physical).

Physical and Mental Impact

This is not only about impact on mental health: the study shows that the correlation of number of ACEs with a range of physical conditions is very strong. The first article discusses how this link between childhood trauma and adult disease comes about. The ACE Pyramid below summarises the relationships:



Major findings of the study are:

“Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are common. Almost two-thirds of study participants reported at least one ACE, and more than one in five reported three or more ACEs.

The ACE score, a total sum of the different categories of ACEs reported by participants, is used to assess cumulative childhood stress. Study findings repeatedly reveal a graded dose-response[1] relationship between ACEs and negative health and well-being outcomes across the life course.”

As the number of ACEs increases so does the risk for the conditions including:

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
Depression Fetal death
Health-related quality of life Illicit drug use
Ischemic heart disease Liver disease
Poor work performance Financial stress
Risk for intimate partner violence Multiple sexual partners
Sexually transmitted diseases Smoking
Suicide attempts Unintended pregnancies
Early initiation of smoking Early initiation of sexual activity
Adolescent pregnancy Risk for sexual violence
Poor academic achievement  


Is This Common?

The study found that nearly two thirds of participants had experienced at least one ACE and almost 20% reported 3 or more. If anything the demographics were skewed toward the more affluent. 75% of participants had at least some university education and almost 40% had graduated with a degree.

In my practice almost all clients, couples and individuals report at least one ACE. Some of the event types are severe, some less so. All have left their mark with particular impact on overall happiness and ability to thrive in their intimate relationships. The most common effect is a more or less profound feeling of pain, distress, inadequacy, ….

The Good News

The second article discusses a variety of ways in which we can moderate the effects including writing to ourself about our experiences, mindfulness meditation, yoga. Where the emotional effects feel too much to handle alone, there are now a range of trauma aware therapies which can make major changes to our felt self experience. My recent training, for example, has been in how to do effective therapy with folks who have experienced multiple and prolonged ACEs resulting in complex childhood trauma.

Does This matter to You?

If you feel chronically unhappy, anxious, depressed, angry, often with no immediately apparent cause; if you find regular difficulties in your relationship with your partner or in your work or family relationships; if you have difficulty regulating eating, gambling, drinking or substance use: then it may very well matter to you.

If any of these sound distressingly familiar then answer the ace-questionnaire. If you would like help in dealing with chronic unhappiness or relationship disturbances then please contact me for a ten minute chat to see if we might work together to help you improve your situation.

[1] “Dose-response describes the change in an outcome (e.g., alcoholism) associated with differing levels of exposure (or doses) to a stressor (e.g. ACEs). A graded dose-response means that as the dose of the stressor increases the intensity of the outcome also increases.” CDC


Relationship Glue

This article in Business Insider is a look at a central finding from John Gottman’s research into the relationship glue that keeps relationships working. This research informs the relationship therapy that Vivian and I practice.

Relationship Glue

In our relationships we are always communicating or attempting to communicate with our partner. Critical to relationship health are the minute to minute particulars of this communication.

  • How kind and friendly are we to our partner in those small interactions?
  • What are the messages that we’re sending about our care for him/her and our life together?

The main idea of the article is the impact on our relationship of how we respond to our partner’s attempts to start communication. The Gottmans calls these attempts “bids for attention”. They may be trivial remarks: “Look at that bird!” “What a beautiful looking day.” “It’s still raining.” “I’m glad that day’s over/It’s nice to be home”. Or they may be direct queries: “How was your day?” “What’s your plan for today?

How Strong is Your Glue?

How often those bids get a positive response, what Gottman calls a “turning towards” response, is a very reliable guide to the strength and future of the relationship:

“These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.”

  • How aware are you of your partner’s bids?
  • How aware are you of your usual style of response?
  • Do you affirm him/her or do you shut him/her down by “turning away” responses?
  • Are you building or eroding your relationship?

The article extends this theme to fighting styles and later on breaks bid responses into four styles: “ active destructivepassive destructivepassive constructive, and active constructive“. These four styles have increasing positive effect on the relationship.

Think of the destructive styles as sandpaper with active destructive being very coarse: these wear away at your partner’s sense of security and friendship in the relationship. Even passive constructive fails to convey an actively kind and positive regard: “Yes, that’s nice, Dear. What’s for dinner?”

Keys to Success

  • The first key is awareness: do you know what you are doing?
  • The second is your relationship goal: do you want to improve this relationship or are you (unconsciously?) sabotaging it?

If you want to learn more about becoming a “master of relationship” instead of a “disaster of relationship” please give me a call or contact me here.

Enjoy the article.

Meditation is NOT like taking a pill

In a recent interview in Tricycle, Dr. Willoughby Britton discussed the hype around meditation and mindfulness and emphasised that much of the research on which claims for the benefits of them are based are not as robust as they are often made out to be. She is also concerned about the claims for meditation as a panacea to a whole host of emotional and psychological troubles.

With these doubts now becoming audible in the world, what’s a meditator, and particularly a teacher of meditation to think?

For those of you who don’t know me, I’ve been practicing Buddhist meditations since either 1972 or 1973 (Obviously meditation does NOT guarantee precision of long term memory in aging practitioners). I’m very much aware that: first, meditation has (this is a self observation so definitely biased) been central and essential to my becoming who I am from who I was; and second, that it has not been SUFFICIENT to that development, however it might be characterised. Anxieties and depressions have been part of my life across those forty+ years and, to repeat, while meditation has been of huge assistance in living with them it has not been sufficient in itself to effect their amelioration.

Thus the title of the blog and, perhaps the start of a reflection on how we might consider the place of meditation as life practice. In a subsequent post I’ll talk about practices which are related to meditation which may, for most of us and for most of our lives, be far more appropriate to our needs, desires and orientations than full-on meditation.

So: meditation is not like taking a pill or having acupuncture. Simplifying for brevity, taking a pill is “fire-and-forget”: we and our health care professional have a target which the treatment will affect with or without our further effort. Meditation is far closer to learning to ride a bicycle or to play a musical instrument: we must be intimately involved with the activity: we must learn it, explore the new territory it opens up and integrate this new world into our being. Practicing any of these changes our view of ourself, of our place in the world and, a more dynamic metaphor, of our available choices for behaving with others.

One practices and explores the experiences of meditation, and that interaction with the experience, wisely guided, allows us to reevaluate and re-conceive our relation to our minds, our emotions and our very sense of self. Unlike cycling and playing music, it is a practice aspects of which we inevitably carry into our non-meditating lives. Much of the benefit of meditating comes from (consciously and unconsciously) considering particular life circumstances and our contributions to them in light of our experiences while meditating.

This is not a trivial effort and, as Dr. Willoughby points out, is not without its pains and, indeed, dangers. Like riding a bicycle, meditating takes us into new states which require balance, clarity of perception and good sense to navigate. As with cycling, we can encounter situations which surprise us and which, in some cases, can cause us to fall, with a range of consequences. This is where the availability of an experienced teacher can be useful, reassuring and, if necessary, healing. Perhaps the only way in which meditation is like taking a pill is that it may have unexpected and unwanted effects and we may require help in identifying them and dealing with them.

Coming back to Dr. Willoughby’s observations in the interview, looking at meditation as immediate cures for our anxieties, pains and sadnesses is probably over-optimistic. Meditation will help us, over time, re-orient ourselves to the nature of our pains and joys but it will not, in the short term, remove the pains or make permanent the joys. In that light, most research I’m aware of has looked at the short term changes in meditators in not particularly rigorously controlled studies. If the results are ambiguous, that should not surprise us. Nor should it discourage us. The new focus by our culture on competence in dealing with the vagaries of our mental and emotional experiences is beginning to show benefits in surprisingly practical, high-stress environments like businesses, couples and families.

To what extent were these studies encouraging participants to take a “pill-like” view of meditation? To what extent were they encouraging participants to regard the practices as skills to be cultivated, practiced and intentionally applied in real-life circumstances? To what extent were the studies looking at full-on meditation or at practices with more modest immediate aims?

The next blog will explore a range of practices that, in my view, can usefully be grouped under the heading of mind-skills training, to provide effective options if meditation proper is not for you. Also, perhaps, in the interim as your meditation practice is ripening.

Therapy and Contemplative Spiritual Practice

The twin pillars of my internal life have been Buddhism and various encounters with psychotherapy, both as therapee and therapist.  This parallels the frequent intersection of, particularly, Buddhist spirituality and psychotherapy in the wider world (e.g. Welwood, Epstein, Kornfield, Siegel in USA and Barzaghi, Dawson and others here in Australia). So questions as to similarities and differences between these two modes of internal development and exploration often arise and this blog is an attempt to provide a very particular perspective. Let me emphasise that while I am a trained  psychotherapist, I am not a spiritual teacher in any tradition, simply an experienced and inquisitive lay practitioner of a very secular take on Buddhism.

A large difference between the two worlds is that many therapies, and certainly all psychodynamic therapies, are based on a developmental model of some level of specificity.  That is, some theory which describes our progress as beings with/of a subjective affective and cognitive world from the relative simplicity of infancy to the complexity of adulthood. Many models regard adulthood itself as a unitary state, others at least imply a continuum of development which can span our adult lives. The more recent examples of these models emphasise the critical interplay of subjective-intersubjective experience in that development.  In contrast, to my knowledge, Buddhism does not deal at all with our transition from infancy to adulthood but concentrates on a description of  phenomenology of adult experience.  As an aside, that sentence gives away my own very secular understanding of Buddhism which is definitely not the mainstream view of Buddhism; reader beware[1].  Buddhism does recognise stages on the path to awakening but these seem to be specific to the path rather than part of a general developmental trajectory.

Another difference is the implication common to psychotherapies that we are seeking to overcome dysfunction of some sort where in Buddhism we are dealing with the shared nature of human (and possibly the sentient) minds and the illusions (cognitive, affective and experiential) to which they are prone. Both speak of relieving suffering[2]; therapy sees the relief of suffering as resulting from the righting of painful dysfunction where Buddhism sees the relief of suffering arising from a clarification or transformation of our view of and relation to the pain inherent in existence.

Ethical behaviour is critical and intrinsic to the Buddhist path of transformation whereas explicit valorisation of ethical behaviour, or even a demarcation between the ethical and the unethical, is rarely advised as a component of therapy. Therapists themselves are subject to strict ethical guidelines but ethical analysis is not a prominent part of most therapies. There are exceptions of course: existential therapy encourages taking responsibility for our actions and their effects and couples therapy usually has clear guidelines about the inappropriateness of, for example, violence and psychological abuse in a relationship.

The final difference I’ll touch on here is the difference of focus on mental experience. In psychotherapy, even very body centred therapies like Hakomi or Focusing, we explore what the experience is about for the client.  What is its meaning to/for/within the client’s life? To some extent we are interested in the content of experience.  In Buddhist meditation (let’s stick to pure vipassana) we are looking more impersonally at the characteristics of the experience and its participation in the three marks of existence: transience, unsatisfactoriness and not-mine.  We are invited to see that the experience begins and ends or comes and goes. We may look at the experience as arising from a particular set of conditions but we won’t necessarily be interested in exploring those conditions. The important lessons are that it is not permanent; that without the conditions the experience wouldn’t happen; and as a direct result of these two aspects of the experience it cannot really be said to be mine or an essential part of me.  In therapy we will be trying to bring the experience and our appreciation of how it arises in a particular life into conscious awareness.  Note that the Buddhist process is dependent on the experience being available to conscious awareness from the start.

Perhaps a summary of differences could be that psychotherapy helps us integrate disowned and troublesome aspects of our personal history where the Buddhist path helps us integrate and reach a deep, felt understanding of our shared circumstances as sentient, subjective beings-together-in-the-world. Perhaps one outcome of this is that it helps us become more humble: this is a lifetime process and, though we have the navigation beacon of the Buddha’s awakening, there is no “end-goal” towards which we strive in secular Buddhism.

I’m sure that other therapists and practitioners will have their own take on the similarities and differences in the two ways of looking at human growth or development.  These are offered simply as part of the view from this body…today.

[1] To expand a little: I see Buddhist spirituality as a collection of practices and a framework for life (the 8-Fold Path) by which we transform our experience of, and relation to our experience, and thereby transform our relations to self, others and the world.

[2] The difference between “pain” and “suffering” is one which I’ll expand in the future.

The Power of Simplicity in Meditation

No matter how or why we meditate, the process of meditation is made more effective as our capacity to intentionally attend increases.  Many teachers talk about concentration as part of meditation and that is fair enough, however the word “concentration” frequently carries the sense of trying hard and bearing down on whatever we are concentrating on; we may feel invited to put on our frowning concentration face.  However, every teacher of meditation that I’ve studied with or whose work I’ve read reminds us that intense “trying hard” is an obstacle in developing the skill of meditation.

I’ll come back to why that is so in a bit but let’s look first at the more helpful, or perhaps more skilful approach to paying attention to the object of meditation.  And one of the simplest meditation objects is our own breath. The skilful approach is to do less in meditation than we may have thought we need to do. It’s about cultivating  effortless intention while meditating instead of effortful, striving intention.

Simple meditation on the breath (as opposed to pranic breathing (pranayama) or other breath control practices) has only three aspects:

  1. Feeling the breath or paying attention to the breath
  2. Being aware that attention has moved away from the breath
  3. Gently  returning attention to the breath.[1]

As we do that, we will have thoughts, some may co-exist with awareness of breathing, others may take our awareness off into their particular area of focus.  This is natural and will happen, in one form or another, even after years of meditation practice.  All we have to do is, eventually, notice that we’re not attending to the breath and, without comment, without guilt, without self-chastisement, without annoyance, without regret and even without happiness, just return awareness to the breath.  There’s no “trying hard” needed.

This approach of “doing less” is often very foreign to our normal way of living in which we frequently seek more and more activity, more and more control and more and more stimulation.  As we are often meditating exactly to find a more peaceful way of being, even if only for the duration of the meditation, it makes sense that what we do in meditation should be very different to the way we normally are. If we want more peace, it’s by peacefully returning our awareness to the breath which begets peace. The way we do something breeds that same state in our minds; patience breeds patience; calm breeds calm.

Nevertheless, there’s often a sense that I should be doing more to make this work; that I’m not doing enough to get the benefit; that I’m doing this wrong. It’s exactly these thoughts of I should be/I shouldn’t be/Should I be?… that we’re remembering to avoid while meditating.

Meditating is about how I am now, what I feel in this instant. It is not some onerous obligation to behave in a particular way; to get it right; to excel; to please […fill in the blank as appropriate…]. We may find that that inner voice of Should/Shouldn’t is very noisy and persistent: so be it! That’s what is happening in our meditation. When we see/hear/feel that inner voice, we can practice just lightly letting it go and returning awareness to the breath.  This voice may sound like the truth, but it is only a thought; we can drop it in favour of simply attending to the breath.  It may…. No! It WILL return, but it’s our persistence in letting go and returning to the breath which trains our mind in directing attention.

When we simplify meditation in this way we give the mind the opportunity to let go of its busyness and by returning to the breath, we give the mind the opportunity to remember the pleasure of that simplicity, even if initially it’s momentary.

By doing so little, we reduce the opportunity to worry about whether we should be doing something differently or whether we’re doing it right. When that worry decreases, our body begins to follow the breathing into a more relaxed state. This is a state which owes more to the calming parasympathetic side of our autonomic nervous system than to the more excitable sympathetic side.  The breath is the direct route to the body’s ability to quiet itself and thereby to provide the mind with a quieter, calmer organic medium.

Why then all the talk in meditation about a quiet mind? Does the mind quieten? Well yes it does with persistent practice.  It becomes quieter but it is never still, even after the torrent of verbal thinking decreases. Beneath that torrent and hidden by it, we can become aware of finer and finer, and more and more peaceful, levels of mental activity, mental being.  But even during the slowest and most peaceful depths of meditation, there is still activity. But it’s important to remember: a relaxed mind generates fewer words; trying to relax the mind by stopping words only stirs up more. So: simplify; do less. Cooperate with the nature of mind to experience more of the peace and relaxation of quiet meditation.


[1] Some people find that counting exhalations up to 10 and then restarting the count helps them relax into awareness, others (me for instance) find counting an unwelcome complication.  Whatever works for you.